Okay, yes I think we all know that cheating in a relationship is abuse of the relationship. But I’m talking about the person who is constantly cheated on. Like what really happens to a person’s psyche? More specifically, women (cause I can’t even begin to understand men).

We’ve seen the crazy baby mama or even the less rowdy but still can’t get over the pain ex-girlfriend. They’ve been judged, laughed at, told to get over it or over him. But why isn’t it so simple? Especially when we think we know the details, right? He’s no good. An habitual cheater. He used her for financial support while he squandered what he earned. or maybe he didn’t earn anything and just lived with her, selling her false dream of who’d he become. She should be glad to be rid of him, shouldn’t she? Why is she so upset he took his game elsewhere? I mean it’s kind of more understandable if he seemingly treats his new woman well, though, right?

I don’t know. Given the circumstances above, I’d say if it happened repeatedly or was a constant during the relationship, it might actually be considered abuse. It’s difficult to claim it as such when physical abuse isn’t involved. But seriously, the wear on someone’s emotional and mental state, the constant wondering if it’s anything about you that’s insufficient, the feeling of failure because you couldn’t help make “him” better. Then there’s the man who moved on. You’re looking from the outside and this new woman seems to have been given everything you were hoping for.

So you’re angry. You’re hurt, but why for so long? I mean yes, the circumstance is hurtful, but why won’t it go away? Why is it lasting for years? Why is it so difficult to trust anyone thereafter?

Some of it might be that you’re mad at yourself. At some point you saw some signs that he wasn’t right for you, but you stuck around anyway. Like sticking too long with a sinking stock, hoping it’d recover until it finally bottoms out. But, I honestly think that’s easier to get over heartbreak that leaves you questioning everything about yourself. I mean isn’t that how mental abuse works? Once you’ve got it in and in good, the victim starts to issue the abuse on the abuser’s behalf even in the abuser’s absence. So this crazy baby mother or can’t get over it, ex-girlfriend/ex-wife could actually be trying to fight her way out of the mental and emotional impression this man has left on her. That’s not an easy thing to shake free. Her hope has been killed. Self-esteem stepped on. Told she wasn’t worth loyalty, or being lifted, or effort even. The thing is, in most cases he convinced her she was worth it in the beginning. That’s the trick of it. It’s like an unsolved mystery. She’s searching her mind for when it all changed. When she changed. When did he? Can she get it to change again? Only to find that possibly she had been blinded by a facade.

Now I know there’s so many of us that are reserved and self-esteem in tact, but my God that stuff is enough to make anyone crazy. How can it not be mental and emotional abuse? So then I wonder, why do we abuse each other?

Comments (4)
  1. I feel you and yes, I do believe it IS abuse. From my first to last relationship I’ve dealt with the constant wonder if I’m good enough. And, like every definition of “what an abused person looks like” I’ve constantly found myself with the same type of guy…different actions or iterations, but the same.

    You wonder if it’s you. You heard people say “well what is it about you that attracts the same person?” I believe what you’ve said above, the constant need to reassure you’re good enough. Maybe subconsciously it’s a cry to ask the same persona, “is it actually me?!” And yea, to the outer looking in, you’d think no, looney tune, it’s not you but that doesn’t help. Isn’t that what abuse is though? The act of taking someone’s will of self away? You’ve definitely brought up an excellent point in this post!

    • Excellent point about going back to the same person a to ask, “is it me?” It’s weird because it is but it isn’t. We have a bunch of mean spirited, greedy, egotistical people in the world but it’s us to keep going back to that type.

  2. Yes, I definitely think it’s abuse as well. I stayed for way too long, asking for God to hod onto something he was trying to tear apart but I kept us bonded together with bandaid after bandaid but none were strong enough for the inevitable. In a way (to be quite vulnerable) I feel as if OMG almost 40, two kids what can I offer someone, now. Are my standards too high (because they are VERY high). I’ve experienced so much pain and mental/emotional abuse throughout this time and I’m still trying to deal with it a year out.

    • I think that’s part of what abuse does. It forces the victim to question themselves as the blame. There isn’t a quick fix to healing which is why so many women lash out. However, I think to be vulnerable and recognize the trauma to your mentality, you get a good footing on the next leg of your journey. You nurture your strengths and eventually find that healing is internal. When we question ourselves for other people’s actions, a lot of the time we also look outside of ourselves for healing. I think that’s part of what KAL was saying about repetitively dating the same type of guy.

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