During several conversations today I found myself considering the issue of forgiveness. I’ll be the first to tell you that I wasn’t always a forgiving person. I still don’t really consider myself one but that’s probably not true. I’m probably just in the habit of considering myself a grudge holder. Somehow I’ve tricked myself into thinking that if I were a forgiving person it wouldn’t be so hard for me to do. When the adult side of me ponders the math, I realize that may not be true.

I’ll tell you what I know about myself. I have a hard time with not being in control. Deeper than that, I’ve figured out that my need for control is largely due to my lack of trust in other people. If I dive a little deeper, I think my lack of trust is grounded by my expectation of things not to go my way. Deep right? I’ve had a lot of tragedy and heartbreak in my life. It’s only now that I’m over 30 and realize I can decide for those things to be events in a bigger story or I can settle for stringing those events together, making the tragedies themselves my story. I decided I want the first option because I like to win, be proud, and be a hero and such. The second option would have held me hostage as a victim.

Anywho, forgiveness. Well, I think my issue with forgiveness in the past might have been my failed attempt to control the person who hurt me. It’s like me refusing to forgive convinces me that I can stop you from hurting me again. Maybe I can, but if it makes me stop from loving anyone else or forces me to be angry whenever I look at you or hear your name, doesn’t that mean I’m not in control of myself? I mean really what good is it to control you and not be able to control me, the person I have to live with from breath to breath?

By no means do I think of myself as an expert who can give lectures on why you should forgive and ive advice on how to do so. What I can tell you is if you struggle with it and you’re looking to get over it, you could try what I did. Study yourself. Find out if there’s something else that has you thinking that there’s a part of you that has to be triggered into unhappiness when a subject arises, or an enemy is spotted. Especially when that other person has moved on. I don’t want to let someone else’s freedom box me in. So they disregarded my feelings. The best thing I think I can do for myself is to not become them or a product of their behavior. So anyway, that’s what I think. It doesn’t mean I’ve overcome my issue. This is all me working towards overcoming.

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