So I don’t recall if I’ve mentioned this thing about myself and I’m too not here for it to go back and read all my blogs to find out. But this thing about me, I notice patterns. I know it sounds like no nig deal, unless you’ve taken one of those tests to get a job that asks you what’s next in the pattern, and then you all of a sudden don’t get the job that you just knew you were a shoo in (shoe in? Idk) for. Those jobs, I always get. I’m not bragging though cause I don’t work at any of them currently, so there’s that.

Anyway, I recognize patterns and what I’ve become aware of is I’ve been using the word, SHIT, quite a bit lately. Again, seems like no big deal right? But it is, if you know me. I don’t curse. Well obviously that’s a lie cause I just told you I’ve been using this cuss word more than occasionally. But seriously, I’ve made a concentrated effort to do away with cursing. When I got saved I did like so many of us who are ashamed of some of our past do. I picked the things that needed to go away to make me feel more holy and worked hard at eliminating them cold turkey. It’s not even what’s asked of us, but that’s a whole other thing.

At first, I did quit cursing. It was down the the “f word” twice a year if that. I mean I used to have a nasty little potty mouth. My vocabulary isn’t even remotely the same. So I don’t consider my slips of the tongue as a backsliding. Like I’m not going to start calling my female friends and be like, “What’s up, Bi&*^,” but I’m only kidding myself when I consider them slips of the tongue. More than once I’ve thought about it before I said it. So like anyone who cares about themselves I began to ask, why the lax tongue lately? Is it beacuse I’m around so many people who use foul language and my mamas old advice about being careful of who I kept company with was proving its point? Could I possibly be that impressionable? I’m from Brooklyn so this doesn’t sit well with me. This must not be it. Is it some sort of mature undersatnding that language doesn’t dictate my dedication to God? That as a grown woman I understand that using cuss words doesn’t make you a heathen?

Honestly. I don’t know. No clue. Got me. What I do know though is I don’t feel liberated after I say it. I feel limited. Come on, I’m a writer. I couldn’t think of another easily understood word that would relay the meaning and emphasis I intended? Maybe I could but who has time to do a word search when you’re making a joke or a statement that requires you to walk away for emphasis? But if that’s the case, then why am I willing to make myself uncomfortable for the sake of a joke? How strong was my point, really?

Last paragraph and I still don’t know. Although, I think I am learning something. You’re playing yourself if you judge someone’s standing with God by the language they use. Actually, you’re playing yourself if you’re judging someone else’s standing with God. What I will do is work on my relationship and never mind what you may or may not get out of witnessing it. I’m just going to be love and light and try to remember to look for that in everyone else. My details are for my story.

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