“I don’t know how to do this.” That’s what she said. My friend was flipping about her chemistry class. I had never been the best science student so I was definitely feeling her pain. However, I was feeling my own pain.

I don’t know how to do this either. Life, really. I’m not sure how it’s supposed to turn out for me. None of us are sure though, right? Problem is I’m a bit controlling and not being able to predict the next steps on the road is frustrating the hell out of me.

I don’t know how to do this thing called being a writer. Promoting myself is agonizing and finishing a damn book feels near impossible. I started documenting my process on my YouTube channel phoenixashtv, but no one watches. It’s really just for myself in hopes that I’d one day become and want to look back on what got me there. For now though, I’m in process and it sucks.

I don’t know how to do this. It occurred to me that I’m not built for in front of a camera. It had occurred to me before. I thought about maybe doing a podcast to share my thoughts and progression. Still might try that. One thing about me, everything is a math problem. I’ll keep working the problem until I figure it out. When the dryer breaks, and the mortgage increases, and the holidays are coming, not having a job hurts your feelings. But since I’m apparently my own therapist now (no insurance yet), not having a 9-5 lets me work out those feelings without causing anyone else damage. Cause when I’m confused and frustrated I am not together at all.

I don’t know how to do this, but I will figure it out. I’m a Brooklyn girl born to a mother who got her PhD while she knew she was fighting cancer. Cowering isn’t an option. My father was dying of leukemia when he still played cards with his baby girl in the hospital. I will get this and it won’t be by following some random formula. It will be mine and then I will tell you how I did this.

Comments (6)
  1. I know in my heart you will get it. Your not the type of person that will allow yourself to do otherwise. You’ve always been a winner to me. And I would love to hear all about it.

  2. You are ONE of the strongest minded people I know. In my battles you have always been my sounded board so I apologize if I am not the right person to give creative advise but I’m gonna simply tell you what a wise person said:

    “I don’t know how to do this, but I will figure it out…. Cowering isn’t an option… It will be mine and then I will tell you how I did this.”

Leave a Reply