Okay so my girlfriend and I were talking (different girlfriend than from the last post, but still not my lover) and she was telling me about a guy at work who was trying to… I really want to say rap to her, but that’ll make me sound like I’m my mom’s age. I guess I should say talk to her. This guy, we’ll call him Bobby, is my friend,… should we giver her a name? Let’s giver her a name too. Okay her name is Mona. So Bobby is Mona’s co-worker. I know many of you (let me believe many are reading) already take issue with co-workers trying to establish romantic relationships on the job. Trust me, I’m with you. I always wondered how those things work. I know married couple who met at work. How do you decide who’s worth the Human Resources violation? Anyway, I went off topic. Sorry, I do that.
So yeah, Bobby. Bobby calls Mona over as she’s walking to her car in the company parking lot. Mona assumes Bobby has a work related question. Bobby does not. Or maybe Bobby did. Honestly Mona wasn’t sure what he wanted. You see, Bobby decided to speak what every older generation would label as slang. Now don’t get me wrong. Both Mona and I speak slang on a regular basis by anyone’s account. Sometimes I speak proper English and people mistake it for slang because of my Brooklyn accent. I cringe at their poor imitations. I hate when the Geico Gecko does it the most. Okay I’m sorry, back to topic. How in high heaven do you speak so much slang that the person you’re speaking to can’t decipher what the heck you’re saying? The man (yes I said man) got Mona standing there confused, not sure if he’s asking a question, making an observation or what. I mean dang, could you throw in a key word every once in a while so she can catch up?
When I was younger and in my dating stage of life, dudes actually cared about their first impression even if it was just a little. They might have started with a, “Hey ma,” or a “What’s up shorty,” but you could understand what they were getting at. Once they got your attention and they saw you weren’t popping your gum and rolling your eyes, they tried to speak with the most proper English they could muster. They were trying to woo you. Oh God I am my mother’s age. (Pause – I need to recover from that last thought.)
Okay I’m back. So every once I a while Mona would think she heard, “A n*g*a like me,” but then she couldn’t catch the rest of his statement. He’d grin all wide-toothed and look down at himself like he was trying to show her something. Now of course she caught when he said she was beautiful. What woman wouldn’t? You could be speaking a thousand languages at the same time and a woman would hear herself being called beautiful. I think that’s what clued her in that he was trying proposition her. So let me ask you, if you speak a language that only you can understand and the detectable phrases are all related to yourself, is this a practice exercise for you wooing yourself? And who brought this child up to not even have the presence of mind to speak of himself with respect? Not to mention you’re at work dude! Did you speak like that on your interview? I’m not going to even ask who hired you because I do believe everyone should have the opportunity to earn themselves a living, but my goodness. You’re hitting on a manager (did I mention that?). *Forgive me, I have no idea if a period goes behind that last parenthesis or if the question mark comes out.
Now that I think on it, maybe Bobby had a plan. Maybe he’s part of a secret society and was testing Mona to see if she could crack the code. If she could, she’d be let in and be taught magical sorcery behind sagging your pants to your kneecaps with a belt on. Sadly, Mona did not crack the code and could only offer a smile and an excuse. She at least knew her audience and told him something he could comprehend, “I gotta go get my kids.”
**It’s late and I’m tired. So if I made a spelling error, correct it in comments and tag yourself as an editor.